Is it a fire?
If I were a balance wheel, I would be flat tire. I have been busy these last few weeks. Moving, working, learning. Travelling to and from the working, the moving, the learning. I have a new condo that I love, a job thats fun, another job that inspires me to greatness, classes that demand my attention and my growth. I am enjoying each block in my schedule, except that I forgot to pencil in the time to breathe. The time to sit here and write, to work out, to spend the quality time I need with the people I cherish. The time to give back. Last night as I added my work schedule to my agenda I discovered I have allowed for one day off between now and new years day. December 25th. Thats it. I dont even know how that happened. I guess I thought once classes were over I could pick up more shifts. All I can do is laugh about it right now. In ten minutes I might be able to cry. I feel that I am slowly turning the dial of my sanity to clinically insane. Even right now as I write these words there are about 10 major items on my to do list taunting me. The goals I am aching to accomplish are lying under my bed like discarded toys. I wonder if my friends still remember my name.
In each moment though, I am able to find some semblance of presence. I do my best to stay in the moment as I fold endless hoodies. To listen to another assignment while the ones I already have arent getting done. I read as I ride the bus. I floss my teeth with the care they deserve. I do my best to focus on the here and now, but in this moment I just cant ignore the ache that I feel in the pit of my stomach. The guilt for not being able to do more. be more. accomplish more. I have a great life. So much to be thankful for. But it seems that my life is getting in the way of living.
And if I dig a little deeper, I know why. It is because of the lyrics to a song which I heard for the thousandth time but for the first time on saturday night.
People always ask me
“Son what does it take
To reach out and touch your dreams?”
To them I always say
Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Is it a fire that burns you up inside?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You’ve got to lay it all out on the line.
I am not hungry for fortune. I am not thirsty for fame. My appetite is for making a change. Or maybe not so much a change, but an impact. Even just as small as the flutter of a butterflies wing. Last night, as I worked with a group of junior high kids, I felt on purpose. I didnt look at the clock. Yet time flew by. Today, as I worked the 9 to 5 at my great job, that I’m just realizing might not be so great for me, time dragged on. I have been forgetting that my work is the acting. The other stuff, is just a job. And even though I wish there were more hours in a day, what I really want is for the time to fly by. To be so passionate in my work that it becomes what I look forward to instead of just a way to pay the bills. I will be fueled by the fire, instead of consumed.
